I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
