I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Randomize
