You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
