Well douche your snatch and let's go!
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Randomize
