I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Randomize
