My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
