by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Randomize
