help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
