so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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