Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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