He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
tell your sister to shave her snatch
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Randomize
