Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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