I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
