I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I just had sex on a roof
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
