i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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