i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
