Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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