i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
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