I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
They are going to name an STD after you.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
