she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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