I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
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