Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
