Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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