Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
