I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
