Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
