The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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