so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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