Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
