Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
