remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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