fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Randomize
