my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
