If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
You took a bar mat shot.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
