shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
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