Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
