just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
