bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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