people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Randomize
