This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Holy sore nipples Batman
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
