I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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