Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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