I can't breathe out the right side of my face
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Randomize
