Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
