It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
You are the jesus of drinking
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Randomize
