"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize
