I'm so fucking centered right now
***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
