I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
