Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I will pee on everything he values.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize
