in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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