just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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