That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Randomize
