mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
