I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Cover your peen. We're going out.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
